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| Please remove yourself from my personal space immediately... |
I've been back in the dating game for several months now, and as far as I'm concerned it's going quite well, I've met lots of new people (only a few crazy ones so far) and generally I'm having a good time. Dating for me is just a bit of fun, I go into dates not looking for anything serious and just to meet someone new and see what happens. If I meet someone who I fancy seeing more than a couple of times then that's great, if not - I'll get over it. Recently, I had a catch up with an old friend of mine and the subject of dating and the rules of dating inevitably came up, so about three drinks and a pizza later we found ourselves googling 'dating rules' and debating how ridiculously outdated and sexist they are.
We all know that society isn't ready to accept equality between men and women, and those of you who read my blog know that this is something that I feel very strongly about, but even I wasn't prepared for the barrage of sexism which greeted me after my little gander on google. The first page of google is flooded with articles entitled things like "Dating Rules to Get the Guy" (Cosmopolitan), "10 Dating Rules Men wish you would break" (Glamour), "10 Rules for Dating when you want a serious relationship" (Huffington Post) and "How to get that girl" (Men's Health). I mean really? To me, none of these articles looked the least bit worthy of my time as they preach that ridiculous notion that women only ever want a relationship and men only ever want sex, both of which are vastly untrue.
So what are these "rules"?
I thought I would have some fun with it and pick out the most overused and ridiculous rules and poke some holes in them. So here we go:
1) Don't text back immediately - wait a day or so.
The Reason: apparently you seem to keen and clingy
Verdict: Nope sorry, I don't take into consideration a timeline when messaging at all. I either do it right away or hours later, it entirely depends on what I am doing at the time and not on how I wish to 'portray' myself to a virtual stranger. But people actually do abide by this rule, I remember at uni once, my utter confusion when my housemate got a BBM (how retro is that?) from a guy she was interested in and refused to even look at it for 3 hours in case he thought she was desperate! Luckily, this dynamic is changing now, with apps being the main way people meet. Bumble, for example, gives you 24 hours to strike up a conversation or you unmatch with that person. On a personal level, I also have to admit that if a guy waited a day or so to message me back I would have already moved on.
2) Letting the guy pay for everything
The reason: guys like to be flashy, and impress you with the attempt at being chivalrous.
Verdict: Truth be told, it makes me uncomfortable. It's the 21st century, not the 1920's. Who ends up picking up the bill shouldn't be a thing, I am happy to let someone pay for the first round of drinks as long as I get the next, but if a guy constantly insists on paying for everything, I admit I get wary and back away.
I don't really believe in chivalry - manners yes, but chivalry, in my opinion, is just society's way of telling men that if you behave a certain way then women will like and respect you.
3) Don't mention your family
The reason: makes you look like you want too much too soon from the other person.
Verdict: I think I have mentioned my family on pretty much every single date I have been on, it kind of goes with the whole 'tell me about yourself' question...
4) Focus on one person at a time
The reason: gives you time to really get to know the other person
Verdict: haha - no one does this! With dating apps, you just have way too much choice. Guys tend to swipe rights for every girl who pops up on their app (even if they tell you otherwise) and although girls are more selective, it's not too much of a difference. So unless you get to a point where you both only want to see each other, I would strongly discourage anyone from only focusing on dating one guy/girl at a time.
5) Wait as long as you can before sleeping together
The reason: to develop that "emotional connection" before taking things to the bedroom
Verdict: out of all the 'rules', this one annoys me the most. Every single thing I have read states that if you sleep with a guy on the first date, he will see you as a good time girl and that's the end of it, whereas if you wait he will see you as wife material. I mean come on! This plays straight into the sexist idea I mentioned before - that society thinks women just want marriage and men just want a good time. My advice - scrap this rule NOW! Do whatever you feel comfortable with, whenever you feel like it. Also if one of you is only interested in a physical relationship, then I can guarantee you that waiting won't change that and you will just end up hurting yourself in the process. If it's the right person, then it won't matter if you hook up on date one or date twenty.
Overall Verdict?
So basically, my dating rules are that there are no rules. I figure it out with each guy, and in my opinion, that's what everyone should do. Luckily, with the rise in dating apps, more and more of these so-called 'rules' are becoming outdated and not read as the 10 commandments, but there are still those out there who will abide by them due to the media painting a picture of what a relationship should look like.
My advice? Scrap the rules and do whatever the hell you want to do.
*Image sourced from Shutterstock
So what are these "rules"?
I thought I would have some fun with it and pick out the most overused and ridiculous rules and poke some holes in them. So here we go:
1) Don't text back immediately - wait a day or so.
The Reason: apparently you seem to keen and clingy
Verdict: Nope sorry, I don't take into consideration a timeline when messaging at all. I either do it right away or hours later, it entirely depends on what I am doing at the time and not on how I wish to 'portray' myself to a virtual stranger. But people actually do abide by this rule, I remember at uni once, my utter confusion when my housemate got a BBM (how retro is that?) from a guy she was interested in and refused to even look at it for 3 hours in case he thought she was desperate! Luckily, this dynamic is changing now, with apps being the main way people meet. Bumble, for example, gives you 24 hours to strike up a conversation or you unmatch with that person. On a personal level, I also have to admit that if a guy waited a day or so to message me back I would have already moved on.
2) Letting the guy pay for everything
The reason: guys like to be flashy, and impress you with the attempt at being chivalrous.
Verdict: Truth be told, it makes me uncomfortable. It's the 21st century, not the 1920's. Who ends up picking up the bill shouldn't be a thing, I am happy to let someone pay for the first round of drinks as long as I get the next, but if a guy constantly insists on paying for everything, I admit I get wary and back away.
I don't really believe in chivalry - manners yes, but chivalry, in my opinion, is just society's way of telling men that if you behave a certain way then women will like and respect you.
3) Don't mention your family
The reason: makes you look like you want too much too soon from the other person.
Verdict: I think I have mentioned my family on pretty much every single date I have been on, it kind of goes with the whole 'tell me about yourself' question...
4) Focus on one person at a time
The reason: gives you time to really get to know the other person
Verdict: haha - no one does this! With dating apps, you just have way too much choice. Guys tend to swipe rights for every girl who pops up on their app (even if they tell you otherwise) and although girls are more selective, it's not too much of a difference. So unless you get to a point where you both only want to see each other, I would strongly discourage anyone from only focusing on dating one guy/girl at a time.
5) Wait as long as you can before sleeping together
The reason: to develop that "emotional connection" before taking things to the bedroom
Verdict: out of all the 'rules', this one annoys me the most. Every single thing I have read states that if you sleep with a guy on the first date, he will see you as a good time girl and that's the end of it, whereas if you wait he will see you as wife material. I mean come on! This plays straight into the sexist idea I mentioned before - that society thinks women just want marriage and men just want a good time. My advice - scrap this rule NOW! Do whatever you feel comfortable with, whenever you feel like it. Also if one of you is only interested in a physical relationship, then I can guarantee you that waiting won't change that and you will just end up hurting yourself in the process. If it's the right person, then it won't matter if you hook up on date one or date twenty.
Overall Verdict?
So basically, my dating rules are that there are no rules. I figure it out with each guy, and in my opinion, that's what everyone should do. Luckily, with the rise in dating apps, more and more of these so-called 'rules' are becoming outdated and not read as the 10 commandments, but there are still those out there who will abide by them due to the media painting a picture of what a relationship should look like.
My advice? Scrap the rules and do whatever the hell you want to do.
*Image sourced from Shutterstock
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